Happy Saint Lucy’s Day! If you’re blind, literally or figuratively, she’s the lady to see. She brings light into a dark room.
The St. Lucy story, as told by The Barbed Pentacle:
So one day there was this girl, Lucy, who lived over in the Roman Empire. She didn’t really fit in. Kind of did her own thing. Had more money than sense, some might say. All would say that she just wasn’t quite right. Her neighbors felt like it would only be a matter of time before she OD’d or ended up in jail.
Like a lot of teenage girls, she liked candles and trying out New Age religions. She tried Yoga for awhile but ended up going with a movement started by this Jesus guy. Nobody really liked his followers; the government was pretty sure they were a cult and would often plan Waco attacks on them Roman style. Lions and tigers and bears, oh my! took on a whole new meaning, Dorothy, when the Romans got a hold of a Christian. So, of course since it was cool and dangerous, Lucy started following the teachings of Jesus. Lucy decided that she liked Jesus so much that she would marry him, even though he was dead. People shook their heads. There was nothing wrong with marrying a god. People did it all the time in Rome. But they thought if you were going to deny yourself physical fucking, that a sacrifice of that nature should at least be for somebody cool, not some Jew on a cross.
Lucy’s momma wanted to do something about Lucy’s behavior, but she wasn’t sure what to do since she was a single mom who was sick all the time. She was afraid that Lucy would get caught being a Jesus whore one day and end up getting eaten out by a lion. So, her mom decided to marry her off to a wealthy Pagan. She was pretty sure that would tame Lucy.
Like most creepy teenage girls, Lucy started to hear voices and have dreams. It was probably just her hormones or some bad beer, but Lucy thought that in one of her dreams Saint Agatha appeared to her. Lucy should have learned from Agatha’s actions. Agatha got involved with the wrong crowd like Lucy and got killed by the Romans and spent her days popping into people’s dreams trying to convince them to visit her shrine and to exit through the gift shop. It wasn’t hard to convince Lucy to visit the shrine. Agatha told Lucy exactly what she wanted to hear, what any teenage girl would want to hear: “If you come and visit with your momma, she’ll be healed so you’ll have more free time and you’ll get to be as famous a me!” Agatha was famous for telling her fiance to fuck off. Unfortunately for her, her fiance was a Roman officer, so he cut off her tities and had her locked up. If he couldn’t have them, no one could.
Lucy’s mom finally did take her to the shrine and, just as Agatha had predicted, her mom was cured. Lucy and Agatha became BFFs and Promise Ring sisters. Lucy’s mom was very impressed, so when Lucy said, “Hey, Agatha told me to give away my starter money to the poor.” her mom went right along. What kind of fucked up mom follows the advice of a ghost who’s in your kid’s head? Well, as you can imagine, things did not go well. Mr. Handsome Pagan found out that Lucy and her mom were giving away Lucy’s starter money that he was suppose to get when they got married, and just like a little pussy, he ran off to tell the big bad leader of the neighborhood.
Perhaps the boy friend should have taken a cue from Ricky instead of being a tattletale. It would have ended better for Lucy.
In the mean time, Lucy’s fanaticism accelerated. Lucy’s fanaticism pushed her so far that one day a man told Lucy, “Hey lady, you got pretty eyes.” Lucy went a little Van Gogh and plucked them out for the guy. She said, “Here, if you like them so much, take them. Now you can see them all the time.”
That poor guy freaked the fuck out and proclaimed, “Beware! That bitch is crazy!” To reward her crazy, um, faithfulness, her god gave her some lizard blood and she regenerated her eye balls. Her new eye balls were even more beautiful than the originals. But word got out in Syracuse, the first one not the second, about the eye incident, and everybody pretended not to look at her pretty eyes.
Finally, Lucy’s fiance had his day in court with Head Roman Guy. Head Roman Guy summoned Lucy to court. When she arrived, HRG ordered her to burn a sacrifice to the Emperor. It was a test: was Lucy going to be a proud Pagan or a cautious Christian? According to the HRG, she failed the test. According to Agatha, the best ghost BFF ever, Lucy passed with flying colors. Lucy refused to burn a sacrifice. So, HRG decreed that Lucy be taken to a whore house to live and work for the rest of her life.
When the guards came to take Lucy to the whorehouse, she played reverse “Light as a feather/stiff as a board” and the guards were unable to move her. They tried every which way that they could, but they could not get Lucy to budge. All her Christian buddies threw up their hands and exclaimed, “Praise God! It’s a miracle!.” Then HRG ordered Lucy to be burned at the stake. The guards tried and tried to light the wood, but it was mysteriously wet. All of Lucy’s Christian buddies threw up their hands and exclaimed, “Praise God! It’s a miracle!” Some say that it was during this time that the Romans cut Lucy’s eyes out as a torture, but we like the story of crazy Lucy plucking them out herself. After not being able to burn Lucy, HRG screamed, “Well, damn bitch! I’m about tired of trying to kill you and hearing your buddies hollering ‘Praise God! It’s a miracle!’ So, if you don’t wanna suck cock in the whore house, you can suck on this!” And with that, HRG stabbed Lucy in throat. And Lucy died. So, the moral to this story is: Keep your eyes, be far-sighted, and don’t make the same mistakes that crazy Lucy did.
Supposedly Lucy wears a crown of candles because when she was running around getting into trouble she would go into the catacombs with her arms full of bread and such for the Christians hiding there. Because her arms were full and it was dark, she wore candles on her head to light the way. Wonder how she got the wax out of her hair?
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