You’re a dumpling, Ms. Kay! One of my favorite things about Duck Dynasty is watching the interactions between Phil and his wife, Ms. Kay. Phil is a horny old man and Ms. Kay is an equally horny old lady. Phil seems to know every verse in the Bible that deals with husbands and wives having sex, which he quotes often to Ms. Kay when he’s in the mood. He really likes Ms. Kay in the kitchen.
Phil has a thing for aprons, especially ones that have a little flour sprinkled on the bosom from baking and cooking.
On the show, both Phil and Ms. Kay instruct their grandchildren on the importance of aprons. Phil advises his grandsons that a good girl to marry will be a country girl who carries her Bible and who cooks and wears an apron. He tells them that if she’s a little messy and has flour on her apron, all the better. Of course, he also tells them to marry a teenager, like he did. That’s a little Jerry Lee Lewis, Phil!
Ms. Kay admonishes her granddaughters that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach and that nothing turns a man on more than for them to come home to supper cooking and to see you in an apron. And, she adds, if you want to make sure that the man knows you mean business and your amorous intentions, you smear a little flour on your apron. You’re such a dumpling, Ms. Kay!
It’s ok, Phil, I have a thing for aprons too. I think they’re sexy and hot. I like seeing girls in aprons, and I feel awesome when I wear one. Sexy, lacy ones, homey ones, it doesn’t matter. I can be sexy a French maid, a prairie Mormon girl, or Baron de Kalb’s camp follower just by putting on a different style of apron. I feel focused, protected, and an object of affection when I wear my apron. Aprons are wonderful because there are so many different styles; there’s always one that’s going to be flattering.
Aprons hold more than apples and sex appeal, they also hold a great deal of magic. People have always known this. Think of the Masons’ with their aprons. From what I understand, everyone wears one at their meetings. This magic easily extends to kitchen magic, the most obvious use of aprons in a ritual setting. Wearing an apron can be a devotional act to your personal domestic deity. Wearing an apron can also be seen as donning magical clothing for magical cooking. If it’s just you, try adding things to your apron to aid you in your magic, like runes, symbolic patches, and charms. If you have several people helping you, like with baking cakes for cakes and ale or with dinner for after ritual or at a festival, try having you and your helpers wear aprons whose colors correspond to the God and Goddess and the elements. It adds a nice ritualistic element to what can be horrible drudgery. It also helps to make everyone feel needed when there might really be too many cooks in the kitchen.
Of course, the same principles can be applied to gardening aprons for individual or group magical gardening projects and for cleaning projects. Just as with the cooking aprons, symbols that will aid growth and planting, or in the case of cleaning, clearing, banishing and cleansing, can be added to the aprons. A good garden apron might be green with lots of flowers or vegetables on it, and of course lots of pockets because aprons above all else need to be functional. A good cleaning apron may be black for banishing clutter or red for fueling your desires to have a clean living area. I want an apron that has a picture of that hottie Mr. Clean smiling up at me, like over my bosom or something. All those muscles!
Aprons are very appropriate in typical ritual settings too. Instead of wearing pouches or having a cluttered altar with all the little “tiny” tools that you need, like lighters and oil bottles and salt, etc, create a cool, funky apron with lots of pockets. I saw the perfect example of this on this beautiful, sweet Valentino vamp in Mexico. It was like a short skirt full of pockets that fastened with Velcro in the back that she wore over her jeans. She used it like a purse. It was awesome. A cheap tool apron from the hardware store (or sometimes the dollar store has them) could easily be converted. You can also add bells and jingles for dancing.
Ritual aprons can also be used like badge sashes if you’re in a coven or group that has different classes or levels.
They can be made of cloth or more like a Mason apron and made out of leather.
Keep your apron on for the next post where we discuss just what we’re going to do about Phil Robertson.
These folks like to eat dumplings:
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