Jesus: Yum, yum, eat him up!


I had considered writing a nice Ostara post last week about creating a fertility spell with Scotch eggs, but I spent my time instead drinking Scotch and watching Justified.  So, here we are.  When I was a Christian, the Maundy Thursday ( service was one of my favorites.  First of all, there was no preaching (Presbyterians don’t preach unless there’s a cause to).  Second of all, we got to eat Jesus.  Third of all, the Maundy Thursday service is extremely creepy and unsettling if done properly.  Our church organist would make these horrendous, blood curdling sounds come from her organ when the scripture about the earth quake was read and the whole sanctuary was pitched into darkness.

While there are many popular traditions with Pagan roots that have been adopted by or continued by Christians, the Eucharist is probably the most hard-core.  I’ve often wondered if Jesus knew about things like Dionysian myths when he was setting the scene for the Last Supper.  Pagans seem to have all different views about Jesus from he was completely fictional to he is just another name for the God.  Personally, I think Jesus was a real man with real followers and real problems but that he was no more the Son of God than I am a daughter of God.  Yes, as we all know from the chant, we all come from the Goddess, but we’re not Messiahs.  I think he talked a really good talk and created a religion just like Gerald Gardner did based on what people wanted to believe in a repressed society.


The following link got passed along to me:

He has some interesting points, but like a lot of people, he misses the greater point.  The point is not whether modern Pagans erroneously attribute universal fertility symbols to a little known or completely fabricated goddess, the point is that all the things that make Easter “fun” are Pagan. There may not be an unbroken lineage, but Jesus didn’t miraculous turn into a rabbit once he was crucified.  So, if it’s not in the Bible it must be Pagan (or so they want us to believe).   The egg, however, could be argued not to be Pagan.  A Jewish Sadar is the type of meal that was served to Jesus and his apostles at the Last Supper.  I wonder why artistic depictions never show matzoh being served and why there is never an empty seat for Elijah?

The sadar egg doesn’t represent fertility.  Instead it represents its opposite–destruction–which is vital for balance.


I hope everyone sent Tucker and Tammy an awesome Ostara symbol.  As promised, I went the cheap and easy route and mailed them plastic eggs.  There were no bow ties, however, because it turns out I’m not that crafty!

These folks want a Lambbit:






Mystic Artisans

Passion And Soul

Knotjokin Rope Floggers

Tonia Brown:

Christ, Jesus, you’re leaking titty milk!

Original Sin has it all: man fucking, child fucking, Pagan fucking, Christian fucking, and drugs. Written by Dr. DCA Hillman, the genius who penned the epic Chemical Muse and contributed the penisrific article about Priapus (, Original Sin will make you question the crumbling sandstone foundation that Christianity has been built upon.

Written in a casual prose similar to his Priapus piece, HIllman’s eloquent, avian style makes it impossible for readers to miss anything. Original Sin is organized into lunch break length chapters that take you on a leisurely tour of the ancient world starting a few years after Christ’s death through Constantine’s big fuck up. This era in history was a weird, turbulent time that was full of strife and impending doom for many of the people living then. It was also the last time that Western society saw women in a place of religious power, psychic and divinatory abilities elevated and valued as an honorable occupation, calling, and skill, and drugs used with wild abandoned. Like always, the Christians came to the party and ruined all the fun.

‘What would Jesus do with breasts?’ I certainly hope he would lick his own nipples because I can and it’s a wonderful party trick. What does Jesus with a rack have to do with anything? In Original Sin, Dr. Hillman proposes that early church fathers, such as Cyril, Ambrose, and Clement, advocated starving, raping, and then subsequently comforting street urchins as a means of conversion. (And if you don’t recognize the names of Cyril, Ambrose, and Clement, then you either didn’t pay attention during Sunday services or you attended an uneducated church in your previous life as a Christian. In either event, hit up Wikipedia.) Who knew that ancient Christians understood the complexities of Stockholm Syndrome? Hillman surmises that the early leaders did this in part because Jesus was a pedophile and that he was also a hermaphrodite with a uterus. So, Dr. Hillman, did Jesus menstruate? And if so, what brand of feminine products does he want us to use today? (WWJU: What would Jesus use?)

Like a good cock teasing Tri-Delta pledge, Dr. Hillman gives lots of coy hints and promises through out the book, but you have to wait to the very end of the before he blows you hard with the down and dirty details. However, in the preceding chapters, he writes about the titillating lives and practices of the various ecstatic religions and oracular orders that inhabited Rome during the early Christian Era. I’d be interested to see Dr. Hillman publish a well-researched book on the subject aimed at modern Pagans (hint, hint). It would be an invaluable resource to the Hellenic Recon community and to the Pagan community at large.

The media has criticized Dr. Hillman for his lack of end notes, citations, and reference lists in Original Sin. Dr. Hillman assured me that all the research and scholarship is above board and that he can produce a bibliography on command. According to him, Ronin Publishing discouraged him from including the normal scholarly citations due to the perceived intolerance of the general American non-fiction market. I think that view is preposterous and something that Ronin should consider rethinking. Never underestimate the educational level or expectations of your target market. Despite the criticisms, Hillman has included some in text references to support his research, but they are as slippery as the well-oiled little boys that Ambrose would butt fuck. If you’re curious to see the evidence for yourself, slip on your deerstalker hat, open up Google, and keep a highlighter handy as you read Original Sin. I did.

These folks like a good romp with a Triple D pledge:

Mystic Artisans:

Passion And Soul:

Knotjokin Rope Floggers:

Tonia Brown

The Wicker Tree–Watch it with a flask on Tortuga

I wish I had been drunk when I watched this movie.  I wish I had toked something too.  However, I’m glad I went to Tortuga to view this because I would have been super pissed off and let down if I had paid real money to see it.  I also wish that the movie had been released under its original title in the U.S. because it sounds like a gay porn movie and it makes me giggle.

The whole time that I watched the movie, I kept asking, sometimes audibly, “Where’s Rowan Morrison when you need her?”  ”Where’s the Landlord’s Daughter?”  ”Where’s the music!”  ”Caper, damn it, caper!!!!”  I wish the movie had capered.

The basic premise of the movie is similar to the original.  I suppose that makes sense since both movies were made by Robin Hardy, and “The Wicker Tree” is suppose to be a sequel.  Instead of the populace suffering from poor crop harvests, the populace this time is suffering from poor baby harvest due to a nuclear accident. Instead of a single born again virgin cop, we have a pair of born again promise ring Texans.  This time, it’s not just Rowan Morrison that needs saving, it’s all of Scotland’s souls (I’m sure the Church of Scotland would have something to say about that since all of Scotland’s souls are predestined..)

“The Wicker Man” was full of wonderful, memorable songs, many of which I dearly love to fuck to.  Not this movie.  Yes, it has music.  It even has music as one of its themes, but I don’t remember a lot of the songs.  The bits that I do remember, I can’t find anything about them on the web.  I remember something about the Laddie and horses of the fairy breed.

The movie also needs more sex and nudity.  Lolly is the only character who is comfortable with sharing her goods.  Some of the other characters talk about being comfortable, but when it comes time for show and tell, their clothes never come off.

“Scots and Englishmen can always find their way to the pub, but when it comes to the clitoris, they think it’s an island off of Greece famous for its ouzo.”  That’s the best line of the movie.  Only one line.
I did like the character of Jack the Raven Man.  It was fun to figure out which poems he his dialogue came from.
I also liked the card trick scene.  In this scene Promise Ring boy whips out one of his missionary tools and has corresponded the cards in a standard playing deck to the Bible.
Here’s my Wiccan version:
1: 1 stands for how many it takes to worship.
2:  2 stands for Hieros Gamos, the holy union.
3:  3 stands for the Triple Goddess: maiden, mother, and crone.
4:  4 stands for the four directions: north, south, east, and west.
5:  5 stands for the five elements: fire, air, water, earth, and spirit.
6:  6 stands for something, but I don’t really remember what.
7:  7 stands for the Charge of the Goddess because you’re pretty lucky if you remember all the words.
8: 8 stands for the Eight-fold path.
9:  9 stands for Hecate, the crone at the crossroads.
10: 10 stands for I’m too fucking tired to come up with something clever.
Jack: The Jack is the young Lord, ravaging the countryside.
Queen:  The Queen is the Goddess–queen of Heaven and queen of the Underworld.
King:  The King is the Dark Lord, harvesting as he goes.

Run, Promise Ring, run!

I did learn some things from this movie:

  • There are supposedly people in Scotland who do not even believe in angels.
  • You can wear promise rings if you’re not a virgin.
  • Jesus invented a new kind of love.
  • Jesus was braver than Rob Roy.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I fell asleep while I watched the movie.  So, I watched it again.  I fell asleep again.  I don’t think I missed much.

Check out these Summerisle residents:
Erotic Sensations: