Christian food is nourishing too!: A Pagan Service Announcement

Right now, there are many people in America who are struggling to make ends meet and feed their families.  Some of these people are Pagans, Heathens, and other non-Christians.  Often times, people decide that they do need assistance from agencies other than those run by the state and federal governments.  In many areas, these agencies are run by Christians.  Some non-Christians take offense to this and act in foolish and pig-headed ways.  If you and your family are starving and freezing, you are stupid not to take whatever help is offered–even if you have to smile and listen to someone tell you about the joys of Jesus.

What you find at a Pagan food bank.

Despite what you may have heard or what you may believe, Christian food is just as nourishing to you as it is to a Christian.  You will not burst into flames if you eat it.  Likewise, Christian emergency fund money will pay your electric bill just as efficiently as anybody else’s legal tender.  Also, despite what you may have heard or what you want to believe, many Christian run food banks don’t care what your religious beliefs are, nor will they refuse to help you if you are not a Christian.  Some places will indeed ask if you have taken Jesus as your Savior, but often times answering “no” will not mean you won’t get food.  Usually people are denied food at these places because when asked about their beliefs they become belligerent, defensive dumbasses that care more about proclaiming their Pagan beliefs than feeding their children.

If you are questioned about your religious beliefs at a Christian food bank, there are many ways to politely respond to their questions without being a hungry asshole.  If someone asks you if you know Jesus or if you have taken Jesus as your Savior, you can say, “No, but I’m open to hearing a little more about him,” or you can say “I feel that I’m just not ready to take that step yet.”  Both of these responses are truthful to your beliefs and they are respectful to the Christians.  You may get preached at a little or get handed a tract, but isn’t that just a small price to pay for not having to buy groceries with money you don’t really have?  If you get asked if you have been Saved, just reply with an honest “No” and let it go (unless you come from a Presbyterian background, then you can honestly answer that you’re predestined).  If you are asked if you believe in a Heaven or Hell, don’t launch into a diatribe about how you don’t believe in Hell or how wonderful the Summerland is going to be.  Just simply respond, “I’m not sure, but I would love to hear about your belief in Heaven and Hell.”  There’s no harm done in listening, and before you know it, you’ll have your groceries in the car and your emergency fund money in the electric company’s bank account!

If you have noticed, you’ve not once had to say that you’re Pagan (or other non-Christian religious adherent).  If you’re smart and sensitive to your surroundings, you will not wear obvious Pagan jewelry or t-shirts at the Christian food bank, and you’ll have enough sense to cover up any Pagan tattoos.  What should you do if a Christian says,  “It doesn’t sound like you’re a Christian, what religion are you?”  As with all the previous answers, the perfect answer is simple and leaves room for the Christian to proselyte if he/she wishes too.  Try answering in this manner: “I follow a Nature-based belief system that has great respect for all the religions and believes that many paths are valid, including Christianity.”  Or, you can give the simplest answer of all: “I’m non-denominational.”

How can you find food banks in your area?  The easiest way is to call your local Health Department, Agricultural Extension Office, or Department of Social Services.  Just tell them that it’s been a hard month and you need some temporary assistance with food.  If you don’t feel comfortable with this, lie and say you’re calling on behalf of a friend.

Usually you are denied food because with the bad economy nobody is donating food.

In a related bit of advice:  If you receive any sort of state or federal assistance, whether it’s Medicaid, SNAP, or Pell Grants, don’t be a dumbass and complain in public (like on social networking sites) about how much you hate certain local industries just because they irritate you, i.e. the Christmas tree industry or tourism.  The tax money from these industries helps to pay the public assistance that you’re receiving, and nobody feels like their tax money should go to you when all you do is appear to be an ungrateful brat who needs his or her ass beat!

These folks know all the right responses!

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To Hunt the Cunt and Other Country Matters, Part 2: Hares

The musician Maddy Prior and Ian Anderson headed to out shoot something, perhaps hares.

Hares, and rabbits to a lesser extent, have traditionally been associated with Witchcraft,  fertility, and goddesses.  The most famous hare of them all is of course the Easter Bunny, which was originally Eostre’s Hare (whose mistress may or may not have been a worshiped goddess).

Hares?  Rabbits?  Isn’t that like the same difference? Hares and rabbits are two different creatures.  Despite the common American misconception, hares are not simply English rabbits.

This website,, explains in laymen’s terms the main differences between the two animals.  And America does have hares–we call them Jackrabbits.

In cultures all over the world, hares and rabbits have been associated with goddesses and the supernatural.  A popular hare magical symbol is the Tinner Rabbits, reminiscent of the Pagan triskele that often is used to symbolize the different triplet natures of Pagan deities.

In some cultures there is the “Hare in the moon,” and in  April’s full moon is known as the “Hare Moon”.  Hmmm, Hares+Moon=Goddess (Fertility+Rebirth).  Based on this formula, the ancients often saw hares and rabbits as acting as messengers between the divine and humans.

Where did the fertility and rebirth idea come from for the hare?  Rabbits and hares are a renewable resource, if managed correctly and not over hunted. Cottontail rabbits typically have 4 to 5 litters a year with an average of 8 kits per litter (by the way, kit is short for kitten–what rabbit people call bunnies). Hares also produce large frequent litters and have the ability to superfetate, or conceive while pregnant.

Hares also like to engage in some rough foreplay prior to copulation–hence all the stories of crazy March Hares.

The hare’s supernatural status rose, especially in the Celtic lands, with the belief that they were not only messengers but could travel in both the human and the Otherworlds because they burrowed underground.  Druids and later “witches” were thought to shapeshift into hares for magical work.  Because of this belief, according to Julius Cesar (since we all know his works on the Celts are just so very reliable), it was considered taboo amongst the Celts to eat hare in case you were eating someone who was just shifting.

Despite this belief, many cultures eat hares and rabbits.  As was stated above, if populations are managed correctly, they are a wonderful renewable resource that is fairly easy to hunt.  They can be hunted with weapons, traps (live or kill), sight or scent hounds, and even hawks and other birds of prey.

They die fairly quickly (and they can literally die of fright), and they can be skinned with your bare hands–no knife required.  Hares and rabbits are also just the right portion size so there is little waste due to uneaten food.  For more information on eating rabbits, check out

Hares and rabbits lend themselves well to ritual.  In ancient times live rabbits and hares were used in divination based on how they ran away from a person once they were released, which can still be performed by modern practitioners.  The rabbits’/hares’ job as messenger can be used as well, with the participants telling the animal what messages they need carried to the Goddess.  After all the messages have been conveyed, the animal would be released to do its job.

Rabbits and hares can also be used in death and rebirth rituals.  Since rabbits are quick and easy to kill and butcher, they can easily be dispatched in circle (to much dramatic effect), their entrails read for guidance, and then their flesh cooked on a spit on the ritual fire for cakes and ale.  In death, the animal gives us life, and a connection to our deities and the Otherworlds.  Some people may even take this one step further and incorporate a similar ritual into their shamanic practices.

For more information on hare lore, check out this great online resource:

These folks like to stomp rabbits:

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Labor Day Libertine

Squeeze My Melons and Plow My Furrow, Part 5: What Zombies Like to Eat

Zombies like to eat people, and not in the same why that I like to eat people.  They like to eat fresh, live people. According to Wiccan author Tonia Brown, who has made a name for herself in the horror, zombie, steam punk, and smut genres, zombies will also eat other live animals.  The key word here, though, is live.
Zombies historically have been cannibals.  As humans, we have a deep aversion to cannibalism, even when it’s done for absolute survival and the cannibalized person died of natural causes.  Why is this?  Is it because if we engage in cannibalism then we give in to our primal selves and become more animal-like than human-like?  Other animals engage in cannibalism, why shouldn’t we?

There are many cultures around the world that engage in different forms of cannibalism, from straight up killing your neighbor and putting him on the grill, to eating a dead monk’s brain to ingest his knowledge, to smoking a cremated relative’s ashes.  On a recent episode of Shameless, Frank and Monica smoked Grammy Gallagher’s cremated remains.

I’ve smoked remains before, as well as eaten them in brownies and drank them in Cuba Libres.  It’s a little gritty, on a lot of different levels, but considering all the things they do with cremated remains now (even packing them into empty ammo casings), it’s really not that odd.  What better way to honor a dead friend than to make them part of your body and engage in some sorta legal cannibalism?

Moral discussions about cannibalism, as well as the usual quest for food, is an all consuming drive in Tonia Brown’s new novel, Bad Ass Zombie Road Trip.

The novel is about two guys, Dale and Jonah , who fancy themselves musicians. On the way to a gig, things pretty much go to Hell in a beat up Ford Focus on the side of an interstate in California. Anyone who has been to or lived in California knows that the interstates there are Hell, so it should come as no surprise that the handsome devil Lucifer is roaming the asphalt. In a series of unfortunate, profanity laden events, things go from bad to worse as Jonah is swallowed up by a whale of a situation. The boys end up on a cross-country race against the clock to recover the most precious thing that Dale possesses (and it’s not his penis). Along the way, the boys learn that it’s almost impossible to outwit the Devil, they pick up a stripper named Candy, and they learn about the weird toilet phenomena that happens when a zombie eats human food.

This is a perfect electronic read for your spring break beach adventure or your summer road trip to visit the numerous over-priced Pagan festivals that are being planned as you read this review. Its light, raunchy prose will keep you amused and slightly aroused for hours on in while you bake yourself in the sand and sun or pretend to be interested in some over-hyped Pagan expert that charges several hundred dollars an hour to tell you how wiping your ass is no longer healthy and that Gaea doesn’t approve of Charmin toilet paper.

The only negative thing that I have to say about this novel is that Candy does not come across as a genuine Carolina girl. If she were really from the Carolinas then she would never have told the boys that to people who live on the board between North and South Carolina, that it doesn’t really matter which state you say you’re from. Yes it does Candy! It matters a great deal! As someone who has lived in both Carolinas, you learn from an early age that each state thinks it’s better than the other one. To people in South Carolina, everyone from North Carolina is in-bred and a redneck. To people in North Carolina, everyone in South Carolina is a snob and a crook. They’re very different places, Miss Candy. How about you don’t get caught in the rain and melt as you try to decided which Carolina you’re from, sugar foot!

For more information on real zombies, check out Zora Neale Hurston’s Tell My Horse. To purchase a copy of Bad Ass Zombie Road Trip visit:

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Tonia Brown

Ostara is like a fresh laid egg: sometimes clean, sometimes bloody, sometimes shitty, but always warm!

Squeeze My Melons and Plow My Furrow, Part 4

Happy Ostara!

I’m sorry that this post is tardy.  I got quite caught up celebrating the reason for the season by making love and partying.

Eggs are often associated with Ostara, particularly fresh chicken eggs.  Contrary to what a lot of people think, eggs do not pop out of a hen nice and clean.  They are often really nasty.
Why are eggs often nasty?  Look where they come from!

The eggs that you buy in the store, even supposedly farm fresh ones, have been blasted with water until there’s nothing left of the hen on them.  Also contrary to popular belief, hens do not have to have mated to lay eggs.  Hens will lay eggs in spite of their virginity (egg laying snakes are the same way).
Mounted while mounting!
There are lots of different things that you can do magically with eggs, besides dyeing them (which I’ll cover shortly) and ovamancy (the many different ways you can divine with an egg–and there is more than one way!).  Eggs are often used to represent babies, so it’s only natural that eggs can be used in both fertility spells and abortion spells.  For both types of spells, it’s best if you use fertilized eggs (which you usually don’t find at the supermarket but you may find at the farmer’s market–just make sure to ask), but you can use an unfertilized egg for the abortion spell, especially if it’s performed during the first month of pregnancy.  
To make a baby, take a fertilized egg, and dress it (rub it) with your and your partner’s sexual fluids and blood (just prick your finger).  Then write down all your wishes for a baby.  Wrap the paper with your desires around the egg.  Bury the egg in the ground under a body of water.  Make love with one another to seal the spell.  Make sure to time this spell with ovulation.
This just seemed like a good abortion picture.

To abort a baby, first meditate and make sure that this is what you want to do.  Once it’s done, it’s done, and this spell doesn’t always work in the way that you think it might.  Take a fertilized egg, and dress it with the pregnant woman’s sexual fluids and blood.  Then break the egg into a cauldron (symbolizing the cauldron of Cerridwen), and say something along the lines of: Take back this gift.  Let the womb release the human fish in its bubbled seas.  Unclench the gut.  Let the gut.  Let the birth run out that none may be hurt in flesh or heart.  Muse, Powers, Spirits, Beings of Light and Fire and Poetry, grant my thought your power to act; I pray that she may be in all ways granted mercy.  Finally, bury the remains of the egg.  This spell can be done in conjunction with taking herbs to cause an abortion.
Hen fireworks are good to use for spells dealing with other types of fertility, especially when you need something quickly and dramatically.

Fresh laid, fertilized eggs contain a life energy that you don’t get with the typical egg from the supermarket.  Besides the vibrant hues of the shell and the lusciousness of the yolk, eating them makes you feel a wonderful joie de vivre.   My favorite way to eat fresh eggs is barely cooked and super runny.
It’s like sex on a plate with a ray of sunshine!  It’s my favorite pre-sex and post-sex food.  I could eat them everyday with toast and never get tired.
“Song of Spring Time”
Why is Ostara associated with eggs?  Spring is a time of extreme fertility, and eggs are a universal symbol of fertility.  In some European countries, brides were given decorated eggs as a way to give them symbolic fertility.  In other places, the farmer’s wife would give the hired hands bowls of eggs to ensure that they sowed and reaped a rich harvest.  Eggs were dyed and decorated to ward off evil in many homes.  Although eggs symbolize fertility, it goes much deeper than that.  Fertile eggs are where the soul resides, which is why egg spells tend to work.
<The lovely image that was here of Aracana eggs was removed at the behest of the supposedly owner of the image.  I didn’t mind removing the image because she asked very nicely, despite the fact that she originally asked me publicly before private messaging me.  In terms of correct Internet etiquette, she should have done the opposite.  However, if you post an image on the Internet, despite what you feel in your heart or how you think you have copyrighted it, the image is out there for anyone who wishes to use.  You may call it stealing, but it really probably isn’t.  If you don’t want your image used, watermark the hell out of that bitch so that I either really like it and still decide to use it or I can’t Photoshop the watermark out of the photo.>
How to Naturally Dye Eggs from Your Kitchen:
Add 2 tsp of white vinegar to boiling water, and any of the following ingredients–
  • Red/Pink– Strawberries, paprika
  • Blue–Blueberries, red cabbage
  • Purple–grape juice concentrate
  • Yellow–onion skins
  • Gold–purple onion skins, curry powder, turmeric
  • Beige–tea or coffee grounds
  • Light green–chopped frozen spinach

Allow the dyes to simmer in separate pots for 20 minutes, then strain, and dye your eggs.

Egg Color Meanings:
Wisdom, a successful Harvest, or Spirituality
Spring, rebirth, wealth, youth, growth, happiness
Good health, clear skies
Power endurance, ambition
Happiness, hope, passion, nobility, bravery, enthusiasm, love
Enrichment, good harvest, happiness
Faith, trust, power
Success, friendship, love


Symbols are often added to dyed eggs by drawing out designs of wax on the egg surface before dyeing.  
The following are Pysanky (Ukranian) egg symbols:

Nets and baskets: Containing knowledge, motherhood, giving life and gifts.
 Rakes: Successful harvest. 
Sieves: Separating good from evil
Ladders: Searching, rising above the petty, ascending to heaven.
Combs: Putting things in order. Plants: Rebirth and nature. Very popular symbols.
Trees: Strength, renewal, creation, organic unity, growth, and eternal life.
Leaves: Immortality, eternal or pure love, strength, and persistence.
Flowers: Beauty, children, female principles of wisdom and elegance.
Fruit: Continuity, good fellowship, strong and loyal love, love of the Divine.
Sunflowers: Motherhood, life, love of the Divine.
Wheat: Bountiful harvest.

 Waves for wealth, rain.
Lines and ribbons for the thread of life or eternity.
Stags: Leadership, victory, joy, masculinity.
Horses: Wealth, prosperity, endurance, speed and the motion of the Sun.
Rams: Leadership, strength, dignity, and perseverance. Ram’s horns symbolize strong leadership, dignity, and perseverance.
Horns: Mobility, wisdom, triumphs over problems, and implies manhood and leadership.
Bear paws: A guardian spirit, bravery, wisdom, strength, and endurance, the coming of spring.
Birds: All kinds, are messengers of the Sun and heavens, pushing away evil, fertility, fulfillment of wishes, good harvest.
Bird Parts: (eyes, feet, beaks, combs, feathers) carry the same meaning as entire birds.
Roosters: Good fortune, masculinity, coming of the dawn.
Hens: Fertility. Hen feet offer protection for the young, and guidance.
Goose feet: Symbols of soul or spirit.
Butterflies: Ascent of the soul, pleasure and frivolity of childhood.
Spiders: Patience, artistry, industry, healing and good fortune.
Fish: Abundance, sacrifice, and regeneration.

Many people view dyeing eggs as a children’s activity, and it is.  However, there’s no reason why you and your partner can’t make each other into Ostara eggs.  Body painting/dyeing is an ancient practice that is very easy to do.  If you’re up for the complicated, you can use henna, woad, or kumkum powder, all of which will be covered in future blog entries.  

For the easy, just use paint.  Many different paints are approved for use on the body, including tempera and acrylic, both of which are fairly cheap and easy to find.  As you would for your Ostara eggs, incorporate color magic and coordinated design symbolism for the intent you want to accomplish.  As always with fun bed room activities, seal up your magic with sex. 

 Since it’s Ostara, try integrating vibrating egg shaped toys into your play.  There’s lots of companies that sell all varieties and sizes of the eggs.  Just shop around and find the one that looks fun.  It can be your special Ostara toy!
May you have a wonderfully raunchy Ostara!

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