Squeeze My Melons and Plow My Furrow, Part 5: What Zombies Like to Eat

Zombies like to eat people, and not in the same why that I like to eat people.  They like to eat fresh, live people. According to Wiccan author Tonia Brown, who has made a name for herself in the horror, zombie, steam punk, and smut genres, zombies will also eat other live animals.  The key word here, though, is live.
Zombies historically have been cannibals.  As humans, we have a deep aversion to cannibalism, even when it’s done for absolute survival and the cannibalized person died of natural causes.  Why is this?  Is it because if we engage in cannibalism then we give in to our primal selves and become more animal-like than human-like?  Other animals engage in cannibalism, why shouldn’t we?

There are many cultures around the world that engage in different forms of cannibalism, from straight up killing your neighbor and putting him on the grill, to eating a dead monk’s brain to ingest his knowledge, to smoking a cremated relative’s ashes.  On a recent episode of Shameless, Frank and Monica smoked Grammy Gallagher’s cremated remains.

I’ve smoked remains before, as well as eaten them in brownies and drank them in Cuba Libres.  It’s a little gritty, on a lot of different levels, but considering all the things they do with cremated remains now (even packing them into empty ammo casings), it’s really not that odd.  What better way to honor a dead friend than to make them part of your body and engage in some sorta legal cannibalism?


Moral discussions about cannibalism, as well as the usual quest for food, is an all consuming drive in Tonia Brown’s new novel, Bad Ass Zombie Road Trip.

The novel is about two guys, Dale and Jonah , who fancy themselves musicians. On the way to a gig, things pretty much go to Hell in a beat up Ford Focus on the side of an interstate in California. Anyone who has been to or lived in California knows that the interstates there are Hell, so it should come as no surprise that the handsome devil Lucifer is roaming the asphalt. In a series of unfortunate, profanity laden events, things go from bad to worse as Jonah is swallowed up by a whale of a situation. The boys end up on a cross-country race against the clock to recover the most precious thing that Dale possesses (and it’s not his penis). Along the way, the boys learn that it’s almost impossible to outwit the Devil, they pick up a stripper named Candy, and they learn about the weird toilet phenomena that happens when a zombie eats human food.

This is a perfect electronic read for your spring break beach adventure or your summer road trip to visit the numerous over-priced Pagan festivals that are being planned as you read this review. Its light, raunchy prose will keep you amused and slightly aroused for hours on in while you bake yourself in the sand and sun or pretend to be interested in some over-hyped Pagan expert that charges several hundred dollars an hour to tell you how wiping your ass is no longer healthy and that Gaea doesn’t approve of Charmin toilet paper.

The only negative thing that I have to say about this novel is that Candy does not come across as a genuine Carolina girl. If she were really from the Carolinas then she would never have told the boys that to people who live on the board between North and South Carolina, that it doesn’t really matter which state you say you’re from. Yes it does Candy! It matters a great deal! As someone who has lived in both Carolinas, you learn from an early age that each state thinks it’s better than the other one. To people in South Carolina, everyone from North Carolina is in-bred and a redneck. To people in North Carolina, everyone in South Carolina is a snob and a crook. They’re very different places, Miss Candy. How about you don’t get caught in the rain and melt as you try to decided which Carolina you’re from, sugar foot!

For more information on real zombies, check out Zora Neale Hurston’s Tell My Horse. To purchase a copy of Bad Ass Zombie Road Trip visit: http://www.amazon.com/Badass-Zombie-Road-Trip-ebook/dp/B006ZAJ4M4.

Check out these awesome folks:
Sub-shop.com   http://bit.ly/subshop
Tonia Brown  www.thebackseatwriter.com

Hard At Work

I’ve been hard at work on some really interesting, titillating, gritty blogs.  However, I need your help!  I am looking to interview the following people:

  • Hunters
  • Fur Fetishists (either it turns you on or you wear a fox tail hanging off your ass at Pagan festivals)
  • Brewers
  • Wine Makers
  • Mead Makers
  • Moonshiners (or more legally, distillers)
  • Renegade gardeners
  • Squatters
  • Folks who have their Red Wings (and not the boots)
If you are one of these people, and you’d like to be interviewed for an upcoming blog, please email me at chirp_sparrow@yahoo.com.  Remember, you can use an alias or be anonymous.
I’ve got some great future entries in the works.  Coming Tuesday will be the Ostara Egg blog.  After that there will be a review of Tonia Brown’s new summer read, “Bad Ass Zombie Road Trip“, as well as a review of the DYI sex toy site.  I’ll be finishing up my series on food soon and moving on to a series about Aqua Vitae.  I’m also working on an entry about hair and playing with clamps and clips.  Look for all that soon.
Make sure that you enter for this month’s giveaway!  The details are at the bottom of the page.  Next month’s giveaway will only be open to people are public followers of the blog, so make sure you join NOW!  The giveaway is being sponsored by our good friends at Sub-Shop.  Make sure you check out their page and buy something nice.
If you’re looking to connect with the blog socially, make sure you check out the social networking entry.